I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Operation Purity has been aborted
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
