I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
