Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
