he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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