There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
