Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
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When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
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That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
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