I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
These tits shall not be calmed
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
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