what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
