You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
