my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
