I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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