i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
