is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes