apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book