The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...