I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
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