Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
My liver just had a heart attack.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
