I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
