I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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