Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
