I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Panties = found
Randomize
