I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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