I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Randomize
