We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
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