Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
