i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Welp...herpes.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
