my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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