He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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