My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
being pregnant is like rehab
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
