please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
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