I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
