John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
