Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
