I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
