How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I can't put those talents on a resume
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
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