You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
