how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
