nut hugger
i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Randomize
