pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
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We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
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Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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