It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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