mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
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