I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
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