I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
