OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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