Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
