the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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