I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
i already hear my dad disowning me
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
