my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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