i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
