i will never coherently bang her
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
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