I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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