Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
