my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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