would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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