My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Boobs are out for the taking
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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