i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
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