it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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