my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
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Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
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Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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