i'm signing you up for texting rehab
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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