Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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